Randal: It´s times like this it occurs to me that we were lied to by „The Jetsons“.
Dante: What are you talking about??
Randal: According to that show we were suppose to be tooling around in flying cars by now. You see any flying cars lately?? That´s the problem with TV – it always lies to us.
Dante: Yeah, well most of us rational thinkers weren´t banking on a
cartoon to offer us a viable glimpse into the future of technological
development.
Randal: You don´t think anyone anywhere is working on the flying car??
Dante: I could care less.
Randal: I gotta believe that there is somebody else out there is thinking about the flying car besides me. Someone who is not afraid to throw their hat over the wall for the good of mankind.
Dante: What´s that suppose to mean?
Randal: Throw their hats over the wall?? It means committing to doing something. If more people threw their hats over the wall, we wouldn´t be sitting here in this mess right now. We would be zooming over it in the flying car.
Dante: I see you have given this a lot of thought.
Randal: Kennedy, all right?? JFK himself. When he was in office, he stood before the world and promised them a man on the moon within ten years. Thing is, nobody had started working on a space program at that point. JFK had no data to back up his claims, no insight into the practicality of space travel. But you know what he had?
Dante: Marilyn Monroe.
Randal: The man had sac. The man had the sac to stand before the world and say: „Yo, yo, get this – we´re going to the moon.“ Imagine, if you and I were the kind of guys who had the sac to stand before the world and say: „Get this – we´ll all be in the flying car by the end of the year.“
Dante: Do you know you have a one track mind??
Randal: Hey, what would you be willing to trade for the flying car?
Dante: What do you mean??
Randal: Say some German scientist comes up to you and he says: „I have invented the flying car. I´ll give it to you on one condition.“
Dante: Well, what´s the condition?
Randal: He´s not gonna tell ya.
Dante: Then it´s no deal.
Randal: The guy is offering you the flying car!!
Dante: Yeah, but there is obviously a catch.
Randal: Who cares what the catch is?? It´s the flying car!! You´ll have the only one in the world!!
Dante: And why is this… German scientist??
Randal: Jawoll.
Dante: Why is he offering it to me for free instead of the car companies instead?
Randal: What is this, „Murder She Wrote“?? Who cares what´s behind the mystery?? You going to look a gift horse in the mouth?? Just take the car, man.
Dante: Not until I know what the catch is.
Randal: Fine. The catch is you got to cut off a foot.
Dante: No way.
Randal: Are you saying you wouldn´t cut off your foot for the flying car?? You´re that selfish.
Dante: It´s my foot!! How am I suppose to walk??
Randal: What walk?? You´ll have the flying car!! Good God, you could sell the design and engineering secrets to the car companies and be a multi-billionaire. After that you could buy like fifty prosthetic feet.
Dante: Which foot?? Right or left??
Randal: Your choice.
Dante: Ok, I´ll trade my left foot for the flying car.
Randal: Why your left foot??
Dante: Oh, it´s got an ingrown toenail.
Randal: Listen to you. A guy offers you the Fire from Olympus that is the flying car and you trade him a bum foot.
Dante: You said I could pick!!
Randal: So it´s a deal then, your foot for the flying car. You´re sure??
Dante: Yes, I´m sure!!
Randal: You can´t welch.
Dante: I won´t welch!!
Randal: Because the whole world is counting on you.
Dante: Why the whole world all of a sudden??
Randal: Because the German scientist held a press conference when he made you the offer. He told the world media once the trade is made, you can do whatever you want with the flying car, including mass marketing an affordable model for consumer purchase.
Dante: What the hell kind of scientist is this guy anyways??
Randal: One with a lot of free time on his hands – and a foot fetish. So are you in?? You going to do the right thing here??
Dante: Yes!!
Randal: So it´s a deal.
Dante: Yes!!
Randal: Ok, so then what happens is you find out the guy is going to take your foot off with a hacksaw.
Dante: What??
Randal: And no anasthetic.
Dante: Aww, screw that!!
Randal: Come on, it´s part of the deal.
Dante: You didn´t say that before!!
Randal: Well, you should have paid a lawyer to look over the contract. But come on!! It only hurts when they´re taking the foot off – after that they´ll use a local on your stump and cauterize the wound.
Dante: Well, why can´t I have a local before he cuts it off??
Randal: Because… he is a sick degenerate that likes to inflict pain.
Dante: You said he was a man of science!!
Randal: You don´t think Einstein didn´t like hacking guys feet off but, nobody ever said anything about it because he was one of the great thinkers of our time. But come on, man – take a hit for the team. It´s a few seconds of pain for a lifetime of riches and zero traffic.
Dante: Fine, as long as I get the local as soon as he is done cutting.
Randal: So you want the local??
Dante: Who am I, The Marquis De Sade?? Yes, I want the local!!
Randal: All right.
Dante: Why do you say it like that for?
Randal: It´s just the local he gives you, knocks you out and when your out he… diddles your peenie.
Dante: Oh, come on!!
Randal: Hey man, you made the deal.
Dante: To trade my foot for the flying car, not to be tortured and molested by some mad German scientist!!
Randal: And his friends.
Dante: What??
Randal: It´s just when he is done with you… he gives his friends a shot at you too.
Dante: Deals off!!
Randal: What are you – some kind of homophobe??
Dante: No, I just don´t want to be diddled by some insane German scientist and his friends after they´ve hacked my foot off.
Randal: Need I remind you, this is for the flying car??
Dante: It ain´t worth it!!
Randal: See, you´re what´s wrong with this country. Hell, with this world. You´re always thinking about your own comfort level, never thinking about the rest of us. This country was built on sacrifice and nearly thirty years of living a life full of selfish foot pampering and intergender intercourse has made you too soft to throw your hat over the wall for the good of mankind. And what´s worse is, not only do you ruin it for the rest of us with the flying car, but you completely blow the notion of American nobility in the process. The children of the world have no heroic figure to emulate, so the future of mankind continues on it´s downward spiral into entropy and mass extinction until all that was once great about the human race lies buried in the primordial stew to which we´ll most certainly return. Thanks to you and your ill-treat refusal to reach for the stars. And you´ll forever be remembered as the sad footnote in the book of life, the wimpy little scumbag who could of breached the chasm of becoming and being but instead opted to cover his own ass and foot in the process.
Dante: All right!! I´ll go through with the deal. I´ll let the German scientist hack my foot off, then him and his friends can have their way with me – all for the flying car!!
Randal: You´d do it with a bunch of guys just to get a car?? I thought I knew you, man…
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"I am a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class, especially since I rule." Jeff Anderson as Randal Graves, CLERKS, written & directed by Kevin Smith